It is way past Wednesday and time to have the results of the joke of the week contest!
In 10'th place we have none other than................................The Wonderful Thing About Feet!
A boy asked his dad if he could use the family car!
His dad replied "Try walking some where! Why do you think God gave you two feet if you aren't going to walk anywhere?"
"That's easy," the boy replied "one for the gas and one for the break!"
In 9'th places slot goes to The Congressman and the Farmer
A rancher was watching his herd out in the fields of Montana, when suddenly a black Sudan pulled up and a well dress man in a suit, tie, really nice sun glasses and custom made leather shoes stepped out .
The man said to the farmer, "If I can tell you how many cows you have in your herd, will you give me one of your calves?"
"Alright." the farmer replied after thinking about it for a moment, "Why not!"
So the man pulled out his Blackberry Smart phone and found his UTM coordinates on his GPS app. Then he got a satellite photo which was sent to a master computer in Berlin, Germany, which wrote a 126 page report, which got sent to his home office and to his laptop in the trunk of his car. He sent it to his calculator app and had it counted the cows in the photo. Then he printed it on his ink jet printer, also in his trunk. After that he told the rancher: "You have 2,451 cows in this field."
"Wow!" the rancher replied, "Have your pick."
So the man picked a scrawny looking cow and and stuffed it in his trunk. As he was about to leave, the rancher said to him, "If I can tell you what your job is, will you give me back my cow?"
"Sure!" the man replied.
"You are a member of Congress."
"Yea! How did you know?"
"Because you are arrogant! You spend way to much money on things that you don't need! You ask the dumbest questions! You find the hardest way to do the simplest things! You tell me things I already know and you know nothing about animals because this is a herd of sheep, not cows! NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DOG!
I 8'th, No One On The Line!
A young man started a business. To impress his customers, he bought a nice office with a nice chair and desk, and a nice computer, and always wore a nice suit to work. One day a man came in, so, to impress him, he picked up the phone, even though there was no one on the other end, and acted like he was having a very important conversation with a rich customer. When he hung up, he asked the man: "Can I help you?"
"Yes," the man replied. "I am here to hook up your phone line!"
7th is Sink or Swim
A fish and game warden goes up to a man fishing and suspects that the man does not have a fishing license. So he says to the fisherman: "Do you have your license?"
"Nope!" the man replied watching his fishing rod.
"Then how come you're fishing?"
"I 'm not fishing!"
"Than what do you call this?"
"Drowning worms!"
In 6th we have Sticker Shock
An unethical car dealer had taken advantage of several people in the community. He called a local rancher about coming over to buy a bull. When he arrived, the rancher handed him the bill:
- Basic bull: $499.99
- Extra stomachs: $79.99
- 2-ton exterior: $124.99
- Heavy-duty straw chomper: $189.99
- High-output drain system: $149.99
- Automatic flyswatter: $88.99
- Genuine bullhide upholstery: $179.99
- Deluxe dual horns: 59.99
- Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.99
- 4x4 traction drive assembly: $884.99
- Pre-delivery wash and detailing: $69.99
- Destination charge: $395.99
- Tax, license and title: $63.99
The bill came to $3,128.87
This gave the dealer a new appreciation for the term "sticker shock"
5th place goes to Eat Dirt
A vacuum cleaner salesman goes out to a little town in the country to try to sell a vacuum. (This takes place in the early 1900s) Anywho, the man saw an elderly lady sweeping her porch. So he got out of his car and went up to her. Then he pulled a packet of dirt out of his pocket, ripped it open and dumped it on the floor. Then he said: "If my vacuum can't suck that up, I'll eat it myself!"
The lady told him: "Better start chomping mister, because we don't have electricity out here!"
And 4th is Wrong Number!
A girl went to a party, but was out later than she was supposed to be.
She tried to call home, but unknowingly called the wrong house.
An elderly woman answered the phone and she sounded like she had just woken up.
"I'm sorry mom, but I wont be home until later tonight." Said the girl.
"Mom? I am not your mom! I don't even have a daughter!" the woman yelled
"Wow, mom! I knew you would be mad, but I never thought you would disown me."
3rd belongs to Beware of Dog?
A man walked into a country store out in the middle of nowhere. He read a sign that said "Beware of Dog." on the wall!
As he entered, he saw an old Basset Hound sound asleep in the middle of the floor.
He asked the man behind the counter, "Is that the dog I need to "Beware" of?"
"Sure is!" the man behind the counter replied.
"That dog doesn't look like it could hurt a fly!"
"Than why do you have the sign?"
"Because before I got it, people kept tripping over him!"
2nd is Under the Stars
Two men went camping. As they were lying in their sleeping bags, one said to the other "What do you see up there?" pointing to the sky.
"Lots of stars!" the other replied.
"And what does that tell you."
"It tells me that it will be nice tomorrow!"
"That's funny, it tells me that someone took our tent!"
And in 1st place we have, drum roll please............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. SCARED TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man got a job as a taxi driver. On his first day of work he picked up a passenger and started to take him to his destination.
The passenger needed to ask the driver a question, so he leaned forward and tapped on his shoulder. As soon as he did the driver screamed and lost control of the car. After dodging a fire hydrant, running two red lights and a stop sign, almost hitting a dog and an old lady crossing the street, he came to a stop inches away from a garbage truck.
"Are you OK?" asked the passenger.
"I am just fine. You scared me when you tapped on my shoulder."
"How did that scare you?"
"Well, for the last 12 years I have been driving a hearse.
Hope you enjoyed the joke of the week contest!!!!
